I am retired. Ergo, I watch an unhealthy amount of television. Television ad managers and advertisers, I address my request directly to you. In the name of all that is holy, and in the interests of national mental health, please stop airing the following televised affronts to intelligence, taste, and heart.
TCM boasting about being “commercial free” when they are continually hawking every TCM product except the molars of their four TCM hosts. I miss the gentle charm of the late Robert Osborne. (Note to programming department: If you broadcast “Casablanca” one more time, I’ll scream!).
ASPCA, please, for my sake, and that of the animal kingdom, take those trembling, shivering dogs out of the blizzard and put them someplace safe and warm. (Note to director: Get the heartbreaking shot in the first take so the poor creature can come inside).
The car commercial where Matthew McConaughey is supposed to be oh, so cool is embarrassingly ridiculous. In it, the handsome actor doesn’t even wait to see how his billiards shot turns out. Because he is so cool, he knows it will be perfect. He saunters off into the vast, beautiful night, pensive and alone in his expensive car. (Note to actor: Look up the definition of “smirk”).
In a copy-cat car commercial by another automobile company, another handsome actor drives into the vast, beautiful day, pensive and alone in his expensive car. Because he is oh, so cool, he pauses to appreciate the flight of birds. The theme of both commercials is the same. Rugged, handsome, and independent men – no women, pals, or puppies for these guys – only need their car and mommy nature. (Note to creative department: The flight of birdies is lovely but it is still a very silly ad).
These commercials are oh, so uncool!